The black dog growls.

One of the goals of this blog is to help me in my journey fighting depression. I’ve been putting off posting about this recently because I’ve been wanting to project a healthy and positive image. But I’ve come to realise that this will only be useful to me if I am truthful about how things are – and in the mental health department, things are not good right now.

I’ve been taking antidepressants for nearly a month now, and sleeping tablets for about the same time. My sleep improved to start with, which helped my mood quite a lot. Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been feeling increasingly overwhelmed, which has seen me miss a lot of my clinical placement. That in turn is a downward spiral – I don’t go in, I feel bad. I feel bad, I don’t go in.

The culmination of these bad feelings came on Wednesday night. Something changed… snapped. I took an overdose and ended up in hospital. I had to have some treatment but was allowed to go home the following day. The amount of medication I took was on the borderline of causing lasting damage – but being young and relatively fit, my body was able to deal with it.

Everyone who knows has asked why I did it.

I have a few vague reasons. But I can’t say what changed. I had thought about it many times before and talked myself out of it, but I wasn’t able to this time. I don’t know what was different this time. But I do know that I stopped fighting. Because it’s exhausting. It’s draining feeling so bad all the time, and sometimes you just give up.

I am lucky that I didn’t cause any greater health problems. But the depression isn’t happy. Using the black dog analogy – the dog is growling menacingly.  Once you’ve broken the ice and pushed things further than you ever thought you would, it becomes a challenge… to push self-destruction one step further each time. But I need to get back in the game, start fighting again and bring the dog to heel. The real challenge is not how close I can get to death, but how far away from it I can get.

This post is my declaration: I will fight again.

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6 Responses to The black dog growls.

  1. Sarah says:

    Hang in there girl. It’s a long, hard road, but it will be worth it. I think you’re exactly right, though. Being honest with yourself is the only way to move forward, and if you’re trying so hard to be positive that you’re only putting the positive parts of this struggle out there, then you’re probably not going to find this blog to be terribly helpful for you. It’s going to end up being one more place to censor yourself and put up an “I’m fine, see” front.

    It does make me happy to see the resolve at the end of your post, and I know you will be able to move past all of this.

  2. I’m so sorry to hear it but so glad to hear you’re fighting it… I’m sure Sarah’s right in that it’s all about acknowledging the black dog and not pretending you’re ok when you’re not…
    Lots of love and hang in there xxx

  3. catherine says:

    keep fighting, ive been/im in your shoes, suffered with panic attacks,depession you name it, you have to keep fighting, it does get easier, ive stuffered since i was 11 and im now 18, and you keep fighting forever but sometimes you dont relse your doing it.

    i took an overdose too and like you to this day i still have no idea why i did it.

    you get there, the black dog never wins

    x x x x

    • Hi Catherine,
      Thanks for coming by and commenting. I really appreciate your kind words and support. It sucks to hear that you’ve had the same problems, but it’s comforting to know I’m not alone and really inspiring to hear how well you’ve battled on. I hope things get easier for you


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